My Life's All about the Numbers Game
But I've figured out I cannot focus on the numbers.
Our lives have often been reduced to numbers, data and statistics.
I’ve been too naive to buy into the probability game. Upon PhD graduation, what chance will I have of receiving the research grant? Or the fellowship? Or the consultancy position? Or the part-time job in industry?
And in my earlier years, what chance would I have had of being accepted by top London universities and Oxbridge? Then, what chance would I have had of receiving scholarships?
It seems like the numbers game always lingers throughout our rat races. By what age do we have to get engaged or married? The Telegraph also has a database that allows everyone to search how they are ranked among all earners in the UK.
But following the numbers game is so exhausting and frustrating.
Like any other academic, it’s hard and brutal to visualise how unlikely success has always been. On the flip side, it’s mentally draining and frustrating to visualise how common failure has always been.
In most fellowship or grant applications I have submitted, usually only a few successful applicants are selected from a pool of thousands. For many years, I was overly focused on whether I could be one of the few successful applicants. I even developed an inclination to frequently check the success rates of any grant or fellowship schemes online.
If I were to get any grant or fellowship, I would be over the moon. Yet, the joy is very short-lived. This could be because the grant or fellowship award amount does not align with how fierce the competition is. Or this could be because I am too focused on my pending application results.
While the joy of success is short-lived, the pain and frustration of failure linger for a long time. It does not necessarily compound my imposter syndrome, but it certainly does enough damage to me to make me depressed for days, or even weeks.
Focusing too much on the numbers game is not sustainable. Eventually, we will be fully drained and become trapped in the vicious cycle of setbacks, depression and self-doubt.
Over the past few months, I have tried not to focus on the numbers game too much. I try not to get too high if I achieve success and, likewise, not to get too low when I experience failure.
Out of all the approaches I have tried, detaching from LinkedIn definitely helps the most.
Since I was an undergraduate, I had always been very active on LinkedIn. Over time, I increasingly found myself following the norm of self-promotion or social comparison to present “achievements” in a glamorous way. While I never lied about my “achievements” on LinkedIn, I have found the LinkedIn community’s norm of exaggerating or selectively sharing success brings far more harm than good to our mental health.
Therefore, I have stopped using LinkedIn at all since the start of 2025. Minimising the need to “flex” or socially compare, to me, remains one of the most effective approaches to staying away from the numbers game.
I still crave success, but I am learning not to force it too hard.
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Sir I think u need a break..